Up Out of the Cave

I have some things to say that would be good for my Aviation blog. But right now I need and want to say personal things. About me of course. I can't say these things on "Twitter" because these remarks will be more than 140 characters.

Right now I should be at a Wings and Wheels at Bay Bridge airport. I never miss it. I love it. But I'm not there. Tonight I should be going to an absolutely fabulous party on the western shore. A party that suits me to a tee. A party that includes picking and singing. People that I like. A magnificent house and grounds I've never been to. But I won't be going there either. I've been ill for a week or so. I seem to be much better today.

I can't understand why it is that I have so many chores and so much mowing to do, and I find myself talking to you my friends. In a dark room with my lazy beagle mix dog, Jake. On what might be the prettiest day ever. I feel dark and pensive, yet oddly at peace. My plan is to later go out on the deck with coffee and watch the shadows lengthen and feel the air cool.

I used to think that if I felt like doing something, then I felt like doing everything. And that's mostly true. But I learned today that I can not feel like going to two wonderful outings that I am supposed to love, and at the same time "feel like" writing to you. My body just somehow told me "not yet" and my mind jumped on it to agree.

We all have an internal dialogue going on in our heads. We are thinking a mile a minute. It's all about our ego. Of course. Everybody knows this. I think that in order to gracefully and happily grow old I've got to work harder on controlling that ego dialogue.

Besides subconscious stuff, I've also got a morals question: How do I deserve this? Here i am at my house. i have enough to eat. i have heat and ac. I have pets that get health care treatment better than the people in third world countries, I have the means to go out and eat with my wife at diners and chain Bar and Grills. I like "Chili's". But they got the worst reviews. dead last. I get to look out my back yard and see wildlife. It used to be wildlife. It's "tamelife" because my wife has birds that will come to her. A horse that will cantor up to the house when she comes out, two barn cats that follow her around in spite of the dogs. A nest of wrens below her air conditioner that are the same birds year after year, the Martin house on a pole has starlings in it, not Martins, A pair of Pigeons she feeds and their chicks, a rabbit or two that she feeds and talks to, deer in our back pasture. I'm retired. I pretty much get to do what I want all the time, I learned that you can't get to do anything you want. And certainly not all the time. Even though I don't work for money anymore I still work. I co- manage our home. Do indoor and outdoor chores. My laundry. I do consider that work. By not having work to go to, I have more control. Control is good and bad. Self help volumes have been written about letting go of control. I am checking off control as one of the things I have. Good for me. Maybe. How can I have what I have when people are starving. Should I feel guilty having a good life?